Category Archives: Life

Diet of a Klingon

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I know I haven’t posted much recently, but I hope that with this article I can usher in a revival of my posting. I found this just recently, although it is somewhat older news. Nonetheless I found it interesting. Michael Dorn, the actor who plays Worf on multiple Star Trek series and movies, is a vegan. Quite an interesting diet for a Klingon!

http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/arts-culture/blogs/worf-from-star-trek-goes-vegan

In other news, tonight was the annual State of the Union address. Personally, I found it a bit lackluster and vague, but it was nice to see everyone sitting together rather than split down party lines. I hope everyone has been doing well!

Election Day

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Today is Election Day and many people are getting out (despite the weather) and voting. Some others choose not to vote, and the reasons can greatly vary. Nonetheless, the outcome could potentially effect everyone’s lives. Although the elections today are not as hyped up and “important” as presidential elections, they still have the power to be very influential. The Democrats could lose control of Congress and Obama would be in the position that Clinton was in during part of his presidency. In Texas, Rick Perry could very possibly win a third term in office, extending what is already the longest governorship in Texas history.

No matter what the results will be, I always enjoy watching the results come in. In a way, it is like the Olympics without athleticism. Everyone watching is rooting for someone, usually the person they can relate most to or whose victory they will (supposedly) benefit from. I doubt that all the results will turn out to my liking, but as polls begin to close I can feel the tension rising. Of course, as with the Olympics, the commentators on TV can become annoying. For that reason I enjoy watching live results on the internet as much or more as on TV.

I remember two years ago I was sitting with some friends at a teacher’s house watching the outcome of the 2008 election. Whether or not people liked it, we all agreed that it was an historic moment in American history. Though tonight may not be as directly historic, we will get to watch it nonetheless. For me, Election Day is a time in which I can be with either family or friends (or if allowing, both) and spend time bonding and discussing beliefs. For me, this is as beneficial as it is enjoyable. I have friends and family all over the political spectrum and it is great that things like that have not come between us. In fact, Election Day is the time that there is the least tension between me and my friends with different views.

However you voted (or didn’t vote), I think that we should all try to enjoy the night. This only comes around once every two or four years (depending on how you look at it) and we should take advantage of it. Good luck to everyone, and remember that if it doesn’t turn out your way, it isn’t the end of the world!

Getting the word out

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It’s not something I’ve really thought about until I was reading an article about a young woman who is in desperate need of lung transplant. The article had a link to her blog which you can find here. The first post I read was titled “Get Involved”. There are several things a person can do to help those in need of transplants. One is simply bringing awareness to the issue. There are so many people out there who desperately need transplants to live yet we rarely, if ever, hear of them. These are people who desperately want to live, and in order to do that they have to have a transplant. This isn’t a case where one has to die to help. On her blog you can find ways to help, she lists several. Although she lives in the UK and therefore lists a UK place in one of her links, one can find ways to contact the corresponding agency in one’s own country of residence.

Organ donation saves lives. People with hopes and dreams. People who want to live to be able to pursue and achieve those hopes and dreams. People who want to be with their loved ones. It is unimaginable what it must be like. I won’t dare pretend to know. But I do know that if it were me or any of my friends or loved ones, I would want people to know and do what they could to get the word out. I do not know this young woman, but I have seen her blog. She wants to live. She has dreams and goals. She should get the opportunity to pursue those dreams and goals, as should so many others in a position similar to hers. Even with all our technology and medical advances, it really doesn’t do a lot of good unless people are made aware of the situation of others so they can get involved and make a difference. Different people have different views on organ donation ranging from simply personal to religious. But again, you don’t have to die to help. This is my attempt to help, to make a difference, small as it may be. But I could not just read the story and her blog and simply remain silent.

Goals and Dreams

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As I mentioned in a recent post, I’ve been reading a very academic and scholarly book on Zen Buddhism. Particularly the Zen of Dogen (the founder of the Soto sect in Japan) and how he (Dogen) lived his religion. The book is a very difficult read simply because it is written in such an academic format. It is not one of those easy-to-read, flowery Zen books that are in {over}abundance here in America. I began to wonder why someone would take the obviously enormous amount of time and effort to write such a book. The book is excellent. Just because it is a difficult read by no means subtracts from it’s information or value. But then it became obvious to me why the author did it. It is important to him. It’s something he is passionate about, otherwise he wouldn’t have spent almost his entire life studying Dogen and his Zen. The author wishes to share what he has discovered, and his passion with the world.

I think it’s the same reason people do anything that takes a great amount of effort and time. Why painters paint, writers write and so on. It’s their passion, it’s the challenge and the reward. The reward is often not monetary. An example is people who climb Mount Everest. Overcoming an obstacle and meeting a challenge can be very much a reward in and of itself. It’s why I’m determined to earn 4th dan. It’s why one of my sons wants to compete in his first amateur MMA competition. It’s why another of my sons learns and studies so much even aside from his college demands. It’s why my youngest wants to compete in a tournament and why my wife continued her education while educating others (she’s a teacher). The challenge, the reward, the focus and the drive. Depression has stolen a lot of time from me, but I’m really feeling the drive to get going again. I want that 4th dan! That’s a good thing because for too long I didn’t much care about much at all because depression had sapped that drive.

People often wonder why others do what they do, personally I’ve always wondered why anyone would want to climb Mount Everest. But it must be the drive, the passion. Reaching a point they haven’t yet reached. “Because it’s there!” So it doesn’t matter if it’s writing a book, competing in MMA, reaching 4th dan, constantly learning, trying or even creating new recipes, or whatever the goal is, I think the same thing is behind it all. A determination to go beyond what is already achieved and the reward of doing so. Passion. Wanting to share with others. I think everyone has something they want to achieve, even if it is simply being happy with what they already have achieved :-) . Others may find whatever it is someone deeply wants to accomplish strange or even trivial, but what an extremely dull and boring world it would be if nobody did anything different. What a bland and utterly uninteresting world it would be if people never followed their dreams. Now that I am getting my drive and focus back, I remember what it’s like to keep pushing toward a goal that nobody else seems to understand. I don’t understand a lot of other peoples’ goals and dreams, but I hope I’ve learned now to never make the mistake of trivializing them whether I understand them or not.

Actions or Words?

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I read or heard somewhere that people remember you for how you made them feel, not for what you said. With the exception of some great speakers and novelists I imagine this is very true because memory can be a tricky thing, so words can get mixed up in the fog of time. But how a person made me feel, whether good or bad, I remember. This has been something I’ve been reflecting on quite a bit lately… how I’ve made others feel in the past and how I am making those feel that are in my life now. A lot of guilt is part and parcel of depression I’ve been told, so I’m learning to realize that I can’t go back and “fix” what I’ve done that hurt people in the past. I can however make sure I don’t make those mistakes again. I can also focus on here and now and be aware of how I am making others feel in the present.

I think of my wife, my sons, my parents, my sister and her family and others as well and try to think of ways to let them know that I am very thankful and grateful that I have them in my life. I contemplate on how I may have made them feel in the past and how I can take steps to make their life happier. And it’s not just them, how I treat the cashier at the store, the waiter or waitress or the people who live down the road… it makes a difference in their day as well.

I realized I am a very reactionary person. If someone was rude to me, I reacted immediately, without even thinking about it, just tear into the person for being rude. I also realized that very reaction not only just made my day worse but also theirs. Nobody likes to be treated rudely, but most of the time reacting the way that, unfortunately, was my habit didn’t help matters any. It didn’t make the person treat me nicer the next time I saw them. Sure, they may have been silent the next time but their dislike for me was noticeable. It was still an uncomfortable experience. I’m finding it’s much better to just walk away, at least most of the time. That way my anger doesn’t escalate by engaging the person in a verbal brawl and I can let the matter go far more easily and not carry it around with me all day. Of course that’s easier said than done, but I’m working on it.

The point of this short post is simply that I believe what I read or heard about people remembering you for how you made them feel instead of what you say is true. It doesn’t matter if one can walk around giving flowery speeches and flattering words if the person’s actions tell an entirely different story. So I’m trying to be more aware of how I am making people feel. The old saying that actions speak louder than words seems all the more true when I think about this. Who knows, maybe by being more aware of how my actions are affecting people, I might just become a better person along the way. That would be a good thing!

Skill Inequalities

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Although I rarely rant or complain, I feel like this is something worth writing about. There is a point though, and I hope that comes through.

It bothers me that I can barely put effort into something and get a decent (or even excellent) grade, yet someone who works much, much harder than I gets a much lower grade. Although this is a prime example of how the “work hard to get rich” philosophy is not true. Not only does it imply that if you aren’t rich (or at least well off) that you are not working hard enough, it does not remotely reflect reality in both the academic and labor aspects of the world. I should not be able to put a maximum of two semi-focused hours into studying and thought about an exam and end up with a 79/80 grade (one of, if not the, highest in the class), but my friend, who spends many more focused hours studying and takes much more detailed notes in class, gets a considerably lower grade (64/80). It is sad to see someone who deserved, wanted, and needed the grade I got more than me get something much lower; this is a great source of guilt that haunts me. Of course, this is a single example of something I have experienced time and time again.

Another example I could use would be the AP Government exam. I spent a maximum of thirty minutes studying and looking over some notes. In reality, saying I spent thirty minutes is probably overestimating. Even though I barely put any effort in it, I got a 5 on the test, the highest possible and the only one (as far as I am aware of) to do so in my grade. My teacher even told me that I was one of the only ones out of the last ten or so years.

One good response might be that I am a better test taker than others. I would reply with a two-fold answer, the first part being that this is not something that happens only in tests but on smaller assignments, too. This is not to mention that it happens to other people in everyday life, hence the wide income gap that is present (not to say that some of them did not work hard). It seems that if I put even a small amount of effort into these certain tasks, I have a great result. It may not be the same way in every subject field, for I do not possess the same prowess in math. This, though, gets me to my next reply: the fact that I am better in these certain things is exactly my point. It is not fair that someone should struggle in something that I do not even have to remotely try at.

This leads me into a more philosophical, if not practical, look at it. This ability is something that seems to come naturally to me. I never took a class on how to take tests or anything like that; I have received the same “training,” so to say, as everyone else. When we value certain natural-born skills over others (which is reflected in wages, prestige, benefits, etc.), this leads to a very unjust inequality. It simply is not true that if you work hard enough you will become rich, “succeed in life,” etc. I have no doubt that the people who built the buildings I learn in worked just as hard, if not harder, than the people who teach in it. Of course, the construction workers may not have worked for the same amount of time as the professors, but even when you compare it by hour the difference is highly noticeable. You can see this in almost every field. We value (and therefore respect and pay better as well) our doctors and lawyers more than we value our janitors and social workers. All of these jobs, I would argue, play a very important role in society.

Recently, one of my professors brought up an edition of the Daily Texan (Tuesday, October 12, 2010) in class. On the front page, the salaries of different jobs at the university are displayed in a graph, as well as another outline below with certain individuals. Neglecting the fact that women are payed between $4,000 and $14,000 (depending on their spot in the hierarchy), there are vast disparities in the jobs as well. I was shocked to see that a full-fledged professor at the university (supposing that person is a male) makes $134,597 a year on average. Associate professors make around $91,001, and the farther down the ladder the lower the pay with lecturers getting $50,157. Help desk specialists make $46,128 and library assistants make around $27,144. Although merit-based pay scales are understandable (as well as a topic I do not wish to tackle right now), these are huge gaps in the pay rolls for jobs that are all needed. The list does not include other jobs such as the construction workers who are working to add on and construct new buildings or janitors who clean up everything. Even if there is some twisted “fairness” in this, I do not think Mack Brown, the head football coach (of which there are rarely any women in football coaching), needs to make $5.1 million a year.

Not only are these large iniquities noticeable on the campus, they permeate the campus itself. A college campus is one of the safest, most affluent places in the world. When everyone pays for tuition, housing, and other college necessities (which in many cases is near the poverty line, a number that 1 out of 10 people live under) there is often money left over. There have been many revealing studies, as well as many cases that people experience themselves regularly, which show that the richer students go to college (and often the better colleges, at that). Across I-35 is what is called “East Austin,” the poorer part of the city which is glaringly poorer than the campus (as well as other parts of Austin). If I were to walk just a few miles, I could see the exact opposite of the affluence that I encounter daily. What is sad is that poverty in America is often “less harsh” than that of other countries. Nonetheless, we continue about our days usually not even thinking about the fact that millions of people live off of less than what it costs to buy something off of a dollar menu. Perhaps we think it is not our problem, that is, if we think about it at all.

While these injustices bother me rather often, when they are presented at the same time it can be overwhelming, which is, almost undoubtedly, the causation of this writing. Every night I go to bed worrying not about a test the next day or an assignment due, but about the situation of the world we live in and the guilt that I have of playing a part in it. As I lay down in my bed (which is, sadly, almost four feet off the ground) I think that there are many who would like to have a bed, or shelter for that matter, of any sort. I realize that people have no food and tens of thousands die of starvation daily. I realize that billions of people will not get the amount of money I pay for tuition in not only a year, but even decades or a lifetime. I have the access to medicines and sanitation that people in other places could not even imagine. Not only that, but the technology I encounter every day is something that some people will never see in their lifetime (which is also statistically lower than mine). I am able to throw away trash which is then relocated to landfills or incinerators that are placed conspicuously near poor neighborhoods. All of this runs through my head throughout the day and particularly as I try to sleep at night. Maybe it’s as the saying goes “the first step to solving a problem is realizing there is one.” Hopefully, one day we will have a solution to all of this, for everyone’s sake.

College Knowledge 4: Money (f)or Motivation?

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Today in business, we are often told that money is the motivating factor for workers. But what if this was wrong? What if there were other things that actually motivated people to perform better when working?

Actually, money is a motivator, but only for basic tasks such as mechanical skills. In other jobs, those that require any cognitive skill, money stops motivating people after a certain level. Sociologists have found that there are three things that improve performance in workers (as well as worker happiness): autonomy, mastery, and purpose. People do their jobs more efficiently when they can do it without being completely controlled by their bosses. But before I get too far into it, check out the video. It’s really good and we’ve even watched some of these videos in my college courses.



The Quest for Perfection

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My son's training bag

I am not by any means a perfectionist in the strictest sense of the word. I am not one of those people that the psychologists call a “maladaptive perfectionist”. Those people who hold the belief that anything they do, be it work, play or whatever has to be perfect and anything they deem as less than perfect is unacceptable. First off, I don’t think perfection is attainable as there is always room for improvement, even if you believe you have “perfected” something. I’m no shrink but to me perfectionism is a lot like OCD. Perfectionists are obsessed with, well, perfection.

I have striven for the “perfect” kick, the “perfect” cut and other things related to martial arts. But I always realize that even if you execute and land that perfect kick, whether it be against the heavy bag or an opponent, a whole array of different things have to come into play to make that kick “perfect” such as how the opponent is moving or standing, how the heavy bag is still or moving, your own movement and footing and timing. A lot of things that might not be there the exact same way for the next kick even though you throw it just like you did the last time.

The same with tameshigiri (practice or test cutting with a katana or other blade). Sometimes the blade goes through like the target was melted butter. Other times, if your grip and angle of cut is just a tiny bit off, the blade will pass through but you feel the “twist” or torque as the blade passes through and you know you’ve just made a terrible cut. It takes a lot of practice to consistently make the “perfect” cuts. The same is true for the perfect kicks.

So while I am not a perfectionist, I do find myself obsessing over not just the kicks or cuts, but also other things. Especially when things don’t go as I have come to expect them to, like why couldn’t I reach the state of calm during meditation that I did last time? Why did I miss that shot? I was using the same load, same rest, the temperature and humidity are almost identical to what they were yesterday! How did I miss that? Or how in the world did I torque that blade? I’ve made that cut more times than I can count! How did that happen?!

Or with computers, when working for clients I’ve many times run across problems that seem to arise out of nowhere, completely baffling me for a time. I’ve tested and tested the configuration on my test systems yet it wouldn’t work correctly when I got on site. In all these cases, the kicks, the cuts, the target shooting and work, I just step away from the issue for a bit or I will become so irritated that I cannot think clearly which only compounds the problem. Of course while working for a client I can’t just walk away so I step back and begin checking other things so as to give me time to figure out what is going on and yet still be actually working. So far I’ve always been able to come back to the problem and figure out what was going wrong. Usually it turns out to be something I simply did not notice at first and I quickly correct it and make it seem as if it all went off without a glitch.

The real problems that I have found in my own life when it comes to obsessing over “perfection” are the ones that pertain directly to religious matters. Like, “Why can’t I live up to even the most basic principles on a consistent basis?”. That’s where real trouble begins. That’s when I learned a tough lesson. Religious belief can bring peace, calm and a sense of purpose to one’s life. It can also help with the “tough” questions. But it can also do the polar opposite! It can make one completely miserable and in a constant state of feeling guilty, of questioning and doubting. It is times like these that I find I have to distance myself and then after a time completely re-evaluate. I start looking at what is simply tradition and dogma vs what is actually taught. That’s when I find the middle ground again and am OK. But this comes in cycles. I am OK with things until I start falling into the trap of tradition and dogma.

A man whom I respect very much and has been kind enough to help me in times like the ones just mentioned has said that religion, no matter what form it takes, can be a very dangerous and difficult phenomena because it can be used to take advantage of us when we are most vulnerable, and many people have been injured emotionally and spiritually because of religious teachings and practices and by unscrupulous leaders. I agree completely. He has also said that there is no way to calculate the damage done to young psyches by the moralism and dogmatism that some religious groups use, not to mention adding the dose of fear into the mix. I feel fortunate to be able to discuss such matters with him. He is a well known Buddhist scholar, priest and author.

So it really doesn’t matter if it’s something as ultimately trivial as a kick, cut or poomse (martial arts form) or something as serious as religious faith. Perfection is impossible. Sure, there may be the occasional “perfect” cut, kick or form, but to have that perfection consistently and without fail is impossible. It is my belief that it is also complete and utter delusion to expect to be able to live up to the impossibly (impossible in a very literal sense) lofty goals that so many religions set up.

Perfection can be an ideal, a feeling, a dream…. all subjective. But real, objective and concrete (not to mention consistent) perfection is a delusion. Perhaps an illusion as well, but definitely a delusion.

So, I will continue to try for that “perfect” kick, cut, IT solution, and middle ground in religious faith, all the while realizing that real perfection is impossible, but striving to be the best you can be is a good thing. It takes a real load off my shoulders reminding myself that striving to be the best I can be is good, but perfection is not a requirement (unless, of course, one enjoys delusion :-) ).

Depression

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I have debated whether or not to address this issue because it is so personal, but after discussing it with my wife I have decided to go ahead and do it because, as she pointed out, if helps even a single person it will have been worth it.

For a very long time (years) I have lived with depression. I have tried everything, doctors, therapists, psychiatrists and their drugs. Nothing has helped. In fact, to be quite frank about it, their drugs have only made things worse. My life is much more complicated and difficult now since being on the drugs than it was before the drugs. One of the drugs is extremely addicting and has wreaked havoc with not only the addiction but also its horrible side effects. I have been on that particular drug for years now. When I knew I had to start trying to get off of it, I was shocked when there was no plan or guidance given on how to get off of it safely. Coming off this drug cold turkey will land you in an ER, or worse it could actually kill you.

The weaning process is slow and hellish. I have been able to wean down to half the dose I was on. Still a high dose though. I had to stop weaning for a while because I simply couldn’t take it any longer. Now, I start that process all over again, hopefully to get free of it for good. I do not look forward to the effects of weaning off! I know what awaits me. But I need to be free of this drug. It has reversed my sleep pattern, keeps my stomach in constant turmoil, makes me feel “drugged” or “doped” all the time as if my mind is in a fog that never lifts. Coming off of it causes its own symptoms. Intense stomach problems, intense nervousness/anxiety, confusion, nightmares and more. And that’s tapering off even slower than what is “recommended” as a safe pace. Any faster is dangerous. The “recommended” pace is intolerable. The drug is Klonopin. NEVER allow yourself or anyone you love to be put on this highly addictive drug.

With the failure of conventional (or traditional, or Western) medicine to help me, and with their treatments actually making things worse I am now trying a different approach. Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), acupuncture and Naturopathy. I cannot start with the acupuncture treatment for depression until I am off the Klonopin because the drug interferes with effective treatment. But I can use acupuncture to help me get off the drug. I am also using Tae Kwon Moo Do, Tai Chi and other methods of exercise and stretching. More sunlight is also a must (since my days and nights are reversed as a result of the Klonopin). Diet is also to play a big role in my recover. More than I thought! Now I have even more reason to go vegetarian!

I remember a few years ago, my primary doc told me she had discussed my situation (not responding to treatment) with a high-ranking psychiatrist who traveled the nation teaching other psychiatrists and giving seminars. My doc did not of course name me, but did describe my situation. The “shrink of shrinks”, as I like to refer to the high-ranking psychiatrist, told my doc that severely depressed people seem to be low in the B vitamins (particularly B12) and folic acid. Whether this is a result of the depression or a cause I don’t know. Nor do I care. If I need it, I need it. It’s like the debate within Western medicine of biological causation of depression or environmental. Perhaps it is the depression itself that causes the biological “mess-up” of chemicals in the brain and not the other way around.

When I went to the acupuncturist/TCM practitioner, he “prescribed” exactly what the shrink-of-shrinks had told my doc. B-Complex (heavy on the B-12) and folic acid. He said the Chinese have known this all along. I believe him. I didn’t tell him about the shrink-of-shrinks recommendation of it, he brought it up himself. So it seems as if Western medicine is starting to, at least to some degree, realize that TCM is valid. I know of a woman that was dying of cancer and was given the choice of going home to die or stay in the hospital. She went home. Her father refused to accept that she should just die and brought in help from China, and also other TCM practitioners. She had gone through the entire regiment of cancer treatment in the Western style of medicine, and it combined with the cancer had left her extremely weak and frail. The TCM combined with meditation, visualization, sunlight exposure and when she could, “soft” styles of traditional Chinese martial arts forms. She didn’t die! In fact, she is still alive today and teaching martial arts! The Western doctors had told her that she would be dead within weeks. They even went so far as to try to sue the Chinese doctors and TCM practitioners. Why would the Western doctors do that? Simple. They were embarrassed! TCM saved her life where they had failed. You can read her incredible and very moving story here and learn more about her life today here.

I also know of another woman, whom I met once at a business meeting, who was diagnosed with breast cancer years ago. Doctors were urging aggressive and extreme measure to combat it and save her life. She thought about it and came to the decision that there had to be another way. There was, she found it, and is alive and very busy today. You can find out more about her and her story here and here. An astounding and disturbing part of her story is that she has written a book about her recovery and journey to wellness, but because of the power Western medicine wields, the book is tied up in legal battles over what she can and cannot say. This is absurd! People get better and live using a different approach than that of Western medicine and instead of trying to learn from it and help others, pharmaceutical companies, some doctors and others try to silence these individuals! This behavior is not only wrong, it is harmful and negligent. (I hope my web host has the intestinal fortitude to not cave to any pressure this post may bring, if they do not I will certainly move to another. I will not have free speech trampled upon)

I am not saying all Western doctors are bad, nor am I saying that Western medicine as a whole is a failure. It is not. It has saved lives. But it is not the answer to everything. And when it fails, other approaches and treatments should not be discouraged or belittled. Especially when those other approaches and treatments have proved time and again to be effective and often have far less (if any) side effects.

I have read about and known of too many people that have died from severe depression, whether it be by suicide or just being so worn down from it that an illness that should not have been fatal, was. Depression affects not only the mind and brain, but also the body. People who have never had a severe depression cannot know what the depressed person is going through. It is a living hell. A heavy darkness that does not lift. A living nightmare. It makes even the smallest of tasks an enormous effort. It is a killer. A slow, methodical, insidious and merciless killer.

This is my story. Western medicine has failed me. Their drugs have made things worse, not better. Now I turn to a different way. I do not want to become a statistic. I will be posting about my progress from time to time. What works, what doesn’t. For the first time in far, FAR too long I see hope. I see a glimmer of light in this world of darkness that is depression.