I’ve been struggling of late with what to write, hence the extended periods between posts. It is difficult, if not impossible, to explain what it is like to come out of 9 years of severe clinical depression and convey via words the experience of freedom. Freedom to move on with one’s life. The ability to finally forgive oneself of things long past and to forgive others as well. The realization that one can indeed feel happiness and contentment again. The adjusting to these new and wonderful experiences. New after 9 years of indescribable sorrow and darkness. The excitement (and at times, confusion) that comes with finding a whole new direction for one’s life. To have and achieve goals. To be free to express the person you have now become without fear of disapproval from others. How does one put such subjective experiences into words? Trying to figure that out has been a challenge.

I wrote about my experience with depression and what has healed me in my book, “Too Sad to Even Cry”, but now, writing about my life after depression is a completely new thing. I am very passionate about what has given me my life back… or to be more precise, given me a whole new life. It is not one single thing, it is many, but taken as a whole it is, to me, nothing short of “miraculous”. TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) has done wonders for me but it’s not just the acupuncture, it’s the whole change in lifestyle that goes with it. Changing my diet to one more healthy and eliminating foods that are harmful. Exercising instead of being sedentary. Putting wholesome things into not only my body, but my mind as well. As my TCM doctor told me, “The mind controls the body. You will be well soon.” So it is not just needles and acupuncture, it takes following the instructions of a well-trained and experienced TCM doctor. It takes willingness and effort on the patient’s end too. Just as putting unhealthy things in your body will cause illness, so will putting unhealthy things in your mind. One has to replace unhealthy foods with healthy ones, and unhealthy thoughts with healthy ones. It reminds me of the Buddha being described as a physician, in that he saw the human condition and prescribed a course of action to alleviate the pain and suffering of that condition. It is up to the individual to follow that course. Sort of like an armchair quarterback, one can watch the action day in and day out and yet his/her body receives no benefit because he/she is only a spectator and never actually engages in physical activity.

Writing about my life after depression is a new thing for me. I’m still trying to figure out some areas of my life, where I want to go and what I want to do now that I am free, so this will be a work in progress. It was relatively easy to write about my depression and what healed me. Trying to put into words the experience of freedom after depression and pain is something else entirely. Some things that seemed so important before now seem trivial. Now I have a whole new set of priorities, a whole new set of of goals… and as someone once said, The question isn’t who’s going to let me; The question is who’s going to stop me!